Leaf Green Lawn

So, remember when I talked about just writing about what feels important? That’s my (soon-to-be) leaf green lawn. Today, I am both exhilarated and terrified at the prospects of buying our very own house.

We have been passively looking for houses for a little over a year or so. Any promising bids we could hope to throw into the mix were foiled by someone much quicker to place an offer than us. Houses were being gobbled up by the market at truly breakneck paces (and also had outrageous interest rates), so we delegated to renew our apartment lease for another year and try our luck again in the following summer.

Our real estate agent kept telling us that, when something comes along that is meant to be, then it will be. She also mentioned that we shouldn’t pursue anything if it didn’t feel right and to trust our intuition.

Fast forward to now. Interest rates are starting to maybe think about trending downward and the market isn’t quite as hot. If this trend continues and interest rates fall, then a lot of people are going to get in on the long-awaited real estate bubble to pop. That will drive up prices and things will be harder to get. So, we found something gorgeous that was within our range and went for it. They accepted our offer from over the weekend and we are anticipated to close on January 18th!

Wow! Talk about life moving so fast, right?

Now, I’ve been living in other people’s homes or with roommates in town houses/apartments since I was 17. To begin trying to fathom how to feel about owning a home will require a brain hard reset I think. Having a beautiful home that we both love is such a tender, joyous thought. Seeing Link have a yard for the first time will probably bring me to tears; I’m already emotional just typing this. It is a dream I never thought would ever be fulfilled. It seemed like something impossible. Something I would never experience.

Yet, here I am, writing about this gorgeous house’s leaf green lawn that my dog will get to run around in. I’ve never truly lived in a house, and Link has never had a yard. It’s a wonderful, new thing for both of us. It’s a beautiful thing to share a memory like that.

I’ve assigned the phrase “leaf green lawn" because it reminds me of a Neck Deep song, when Ben says “rose red door[s]”. The song is also called December, which made it feel even more fitting at the time of writing this. The full line of lyrics is: “I hope you get your ballroom floor, your perfect house with rose red doors”. The song also has a very heartbroken, lonely feel to it. The lyrics imply grieving over a recent heartbreak while watching an ex move on and wondering what could’ve been. It suggests grieving that snuffed out future, yet having a part of oneself that wishes the ex well. In addition to using a piece of the lyric juxtaposing my similar phrase, it’s just fun to imagine myself as the muse for a song like that. I must admit, it inspires a romanticization of my life that’s amusing to think about. Like I am so worth grieving that I inspire regret in this person. 

It’s kind of unrealistic in that way though because, in my experience, you’re wasting your time trying to convince someone that their actions hurt you. Some people, believe it or not, think that they get to decide that for you. When I was growing up, I surrounded myself with these awful, vapid, misogynistic men. I did not have a voice and my feelings did not matter to these people, and I wish I had figured that out a lot sooner than I did. Every expression was overreacting.

They don’t experience shame and grief from treating someone that way, and I suppose maybe it’s fun to imply that they do.

Or just being someone’s muse in a mysterious, girl-next-door, one-that-got-away vibe. That is so romantic, and I love the drama and idealization of it all. Like they hoped, all this time, that I would get my leaf green lawn, and then I did. Like they have been brooding over it for years, watching to see what I would do next. Watching to see life milestones, where I would travel next, and what I would do. It’s just fun to think about one’s own life in that lens. It makes me, for one, a little bit prouder of myself.

That’s the main takeaway, mostly because it’s not realistic for these people. It’s a fun narrative to toy with.

I mean; whether they’re watching or not, 

I still got my leaf green lawn.