Dead of Winter pt. 2

That time of winter has come. The part past the holiday season where it gets brutally cold and the sun is hardly out. It’s a hard time for me, and it marks where my true depressive season begins. I am feeling it very heavily today, and suppose that I have the past few days. There is so much to do and prepare for, but I can’t seem to muster the energy for any of it.

It probably doesn’t help that I am on call all weekend (to make more money for this house we just bought), am a little sick, and have been horribly tired. I am on day 2 of call and I can never ever sleep well when I’m on call, and I can’t take anything to help me sleep because I could get called in at any moment for any sort of trauma. If that happens, I will need all of the focus that I can gather. I also picked up extra at work this coming week and work three in a row, so I have adequate reason for being in this sort of stand-by-but-also-energy-conserving phase.

There is one thing that was pretty magical the other night though.. it snowed. It snowed and it stuck to the ground and I had no idea it was supposed to snow at all! I had just finished a pretty intensive learning day at work and, in the OR, there’s no windows. I am perpetually not informed about the weather at work, so when I walked out to the first fall of snow of the season, it was pretty magical. The holiday lights were still up at the hospital, Shea and I frolicked with Lincoln in the fresh snowfall, and we had some hot chocolate before bed. It was nice, and I love that I always forget just how magical snowfall is each year. Especially at night, when everything appears to glitter.

The excitement feels fresh every year.

Aside from that, I’ve been kind of sad. I feel like any action requires a monumental amount of effort that I just don’t have.

I’m sad that I won’t get to travel as much this year. Exactly a year ago today, I was in New York City. I was in the big apple to do all the touristy things. There was still piles of confetti on the street in Times Square as we weaved through the crowds to get to the underground Sephora and, later, Broadway. I miss that excitement, but recognize that it is because of the sacrifice of that experience that I get to embark on new journeys. Buying a house, getting married, saving for the future. Our future.

I’ll take whatever adventure awaits ahead, as long as it is with him.