12/1 & 12/12

12/1:

Oh my word, today I am feeling this very powerful need to celebrate Christmas in all cliche ways possible. I want to see all of the lights, sip hot cocoa while we put up the tree, and go to all the Christmas pop-ups I can find. I am particularly enjoying spending time indoors lately. I love turning all of the room lights off, all the festive lights on, and lighting a candle or two.

I know this is mundane and something that is pretty universally loved, but that’s not the point! Last year, my mom passed away so close to the holidays that I didn’t get to really enjoy the season at all. It was traumatizing and hard; it still is. But I am stronger and steadily working through my grief, which has led this year’s influx of Christmas spirit to feel so abundantly significant.

This past year has been so incredible to me, despite losing my mom. I traveled quite a bit, got engaged, and I’ve just had a lot of fun. Being able to reflect on that lovingly and positively feels like progress. It feels like I no longer have to bear the uncomfortable note of guilt for enjoying my life. I often wondered how I was allowed to experience anything without the absence of it. It felt like to do so would be to disregard my mom.

But I don’t feel that way nearly as strong as I used to, or nearly as often. This year I am excited, delighted, and elated to feel such holiday joy. I am feeling opportuned at the business to come.

I spent the entire day today cuddled up with my cats, dog, and a good book. I also watched so many Christmas travel vlogs that took place in London, New York, and Chicago. It makes me miss the hustle and bustle of a big city that’s just as eager as I am to dress up for the holidays.

It serves as an all-to evident reminder that I share a state with Chicago and an inpromtou trip could potentially be feasible.

However, me and mine have a wedding and house to save for. So, we’ve got to tone down on the traveling in favor of saving our pennies for these huge goals of ours.

That being said, it was still nice to sit down and peak into the holiday season of some of the world’s busiest cities. Would highly recommend anyone to do so; it’s good for the Christmas cheer :)

It made for a good prelude into our actual Christmas activities.

12/12:

As a new swiftie, I feel very partial to the superstitions surrounding numerology. Patterns in numbers that feel significant is, all-of-a-sudden, a sign. It feels powerful, like the beginnings of that lucrative inspired feeling.

So, on this day of 12/12, I’m going to be a more consistent writer. I am going to work towards articulating my thoughts, and therefore my feelings, in a way that feels a little more resolute than what I’ve been feeling.

If numerology and seeing the signs in the numbers is what gets me to believe in and invest in myself, then I think that’s a pretty good starting point. Often, the hardest thing about doing something is just starting it in the first place. Especially when it comes to habits, which is why I’m giving this a crack.

Somewhere along the way, I’ve devalued my writing to myself. Only things that were “note worthy” were worth documenting. It felt like an assignment because I wasn’t allowing my mind to exercise. I didn’t have to stretch those creative muscles, and subsequently cramped under the pressure of the idea. My birthday and travels became the only things I would write about. The focus turned from a passion to an obligation. It wasn’t a space for me to reflect. It was a space for me to capture memories so that I wouldn’t forget them, which still is a great fear of mine. I love the youth of memories for such adventure, but it’s also important to acknowledge the feelings of those moments too.

It would be fun to write about whatever feels important to write about that day. Not necessarily the script of my travels, but the pure human-conditioned perspective of it all. I want to get to that place where I would have such an excellent inspiration come along that I would jot it in my notes to remember to revisit later. I really want that back. I don’t want the performance of it all. I want the healthy zen that comes within untying all of these knots within myself. Feeling it uncoil and melt off of me is a great feeling. I want that back so very much.

So I think I’ll just do that.

Stay tuned I guess :)